Update on me
Lets see .... we'll start with Mother's Day:
This was my post Sunday night:
I just don't know why I really expected much this mother's day. I don't know if because so much has changed these past few months, that there would be a bigger deal made out of mothers day ... or really, a DEAL mad eon mothers day. Maybe the fact I've dropped hints like bricks that could not be any plainer if I had just went and got the stuff myself.
But what bothers me MORE than anything .... he spent the WHOLE evening with his mom LAST night while I was at work- yet we go out of our way to "do lunch" TODAY! It's not that I don't like my MIl or anything, I love my in laws. But there comes a time when I am going to have to feel appreciated at some point in my life. WHY did we rearrange our sunday afternoon--- when he already spent the evening with her last night? Why could today had not been for ME? Basically, I was included in his mother's day present to his mom cause he bought her lunch. I would never choose to eat chinese on a friggin holiday! But ohhhh, it appealed to him and everyone else was fine with it. What was I gonna do? be a stick in the mud?
You know, I am just BOTHERED at this point. and he can't figure out why I'm ill. I didn;t even enjoy church tonight cause Jackson was driving me nuts. But how would HE knw what Jackson is like during church- he NEVER sits with us!!!!! Then makes a comment that on shouldn't be leaving church with such a frown ... wellllllll .... when you don't even get a chance to worship for being irritated half to death each week, and we have not been to a mid week service in MONTHS because- oh wait- he's NEVER home on wednesdays anymore ... and I just do NOT have the strength to deal with the kids by myself every friggin week! I'm TIRED of it! We've been doing this for two YEARS now!!!!
You know what- I'm gonna go tell him. Writing here's doing me no good.
After the talk:
He assumed I'd just go get whatever I wanted done at the salon. I told him that crap didn't fly at all, basically. I don't care how busy you are. Mother's Day has been on the calendar ever since he went OUT of his way to arrange for his assistant to get her Administrative Assistant's day gift! From the SAME place I'm going to!!!! Uhg. It's over, now he knows ... I'll be over it eventually. What stinks is whatever I get done, won't even mean as much so I'm wondering what's the use except I wanna wear sandals at some point this summer!!
[End post]
Then a thread about children and what kind of eaters they were got me to thinking, and I realized my Mother's Day Blessing:
Ponderings from a mom to a "non-picky"
Reading the chef thread made me think again how blessed I am with Jackson. We went to a chinese buffet on sunday and we realized we'd never taken the kids to one- well, a good one. That day my son ate cold-peel-it-yourself shrimp, hot of the same, two oysters in shell, two frog legs, sushi with tuna, salmon, and a california roll (3 pieces all together), fish eggs (is that caviar? duh I dunno), garlic green beans, among other 'regular' things. He had nothing fried. How about that for a 7 yo? even Hannah liked the fish eggs, that was her 'new' thing :)
[end post]
I started my summer semester today. In the next 8-10 weeks, I will be taking 16 week's worth of:
Introduction to Computers
Introduction to Business
Introduction to Sociology
Expository Writing
I didn't fail my last computer class, but it was not transfer. It's a carbon copy of this one, except this one has one additional project per chapter. The professor told me to save all my work on my pin drive and turn it in when it was due, I say kewl
I had Expository writing today. We are working towards writing out the research sources and thesis for a research paper, but not writing the actual paper. Okkaaayyy, I can handle that. But what do I want to research?
The other thing we will be graded on is, one more topic. We pick our topic- write a rough draft. Turn it in for grade, receive tips. Implement tips, turn in for next grade. Then receve more tips, and turn it in for final grade on paper. What's cool is, I already have a paper ready for this!! When I went to get my GED the one who implemented my practice test said that she'd never had a perfectly written paper before- mine! That she' seen college graduates' papers that were not as good as that one. So I asked that she xerox me a copy. Yep, it's sitting right over there ----------> Woo-Hooo!!!
Last but not least- I got my report card this week- I have a 4.0 average!
[end summer topic]
So I've been experiencing a great deal of anxiety the past few days. I ran out of meds last week but we didn't get paid til Friday. Then the weekend drama went on. You know, I learned some stuff on psychology this quarter and one thing is, one aspect of depression is having a more accurate view of reality than mentally well people. Well people believe things are better than they really are, whereas, depressed people see things for the way it is, and react amplified.
These past few days I have been reminded of many things that J told me he would do, but has not done. Remind some of you that we were toying with the idea of separating for a spell to work on things, but he promised me we could do it with us living together, and promised many things, and has not delivered. I'll confess, I've been on my own little strike myself, mostly with the house. If he's not going to put energy into our homelife, why should I? I'm tired of breaking my back for a clean sparkly house and him not stepping up and doing what he needs to do. That's bull- he gave me lip service months ago and I bought it. How many MORE years are we gonna have to deal with this?
Oh, and he's smoking again. Well, he's been smoking. For over a year, but when all the hoopla was going on, I acknowledged I knew. Now he comes home smelling like it- YUCK! He'll go sit outside and smoke on the balcony now. UHG- that, I'm angry with.
Why? Because that's his crutch. He refuses to get help for his depression, but made a freakin schedule for my zoloft refills today and said he was going to make sure I took them! Why? Cause I'm hard to live with when I'm not on it? It's easier for him to continue to NOT do what he's SUPPOSED to do, whe I am on it because I'll easily look over more things, when I am WELL, versus seeing things as they are when I am NOT well? HHmmmmm?
Sorry. Vents are coming out left and right these days. I hope there are better days to come!!!
This was my post Sunday night:
I just don't know why I really expected much this mother's day. I don't know if because so much has changed these past few months, that there would be a bigger deal made out of mothers day ... or really, a DEAL mad eon mothers day. Maybe the fact I've dropped hints like bricks that could not be any plainer if I had just went and got the stuff myself.
But what bothers me MORE than anything .... he spent the WHOLE evening with his mom LAST night while I was at work- yet we go out of our way to "do lunch" TODAY! It's not that I don't like my MIl or anything, I love my in laws. But there comes a time when I am going to have to feel appreciated at some point in my life. WHY did we rearrange our sunday afternoon--- when he already spent the evening with her last night? Why could today had not been for ME? Basically, I was included in his mother's day present to his mom cause he bought her lunch. I would never choose to eat chinese on a friggin holiday! But ohhhh, it appealed to him and everyone else was fine with it. What was I gonna do? be a stick in the mud?
You know, I am just BOTHERED at this point. and he can't figure out why I'm ill. I didn;t even enjoy church tonight cause Jackson was driving me nuts. But how would HE knw what Jackson is like during church- he NEVER sits with us!!!!! Then makes a comment that on shouldn't be leaving church with such a frown ... wellllllll .... when you don't even get a chance to worship for being irritated half to death each week, and we have not been to a mid week service in MONTHS because- oh wait- he's NEVER home on wednesdays anymore ... and I just do NOT have the strength to deal with the kids by myself every friggin week! I'm TIRED of it! We've been doing this for two YEARS now!!!!
You know what- I'm gonna go tell him. Writing here's doing me no good.
After the talk:
He assumed I'd just go get whatever I wanted done at the salon. I told him that crap didn't fly at all, basically. I don't care how busy you are. Mother's Day has been on the calendar ever since he went OUT of his way to arrange for his assistant to get her Administrative Assistant's day gift! From the SAME place I'm going to!!!! Uhg. It's over, now he knows ... I'll be over it eventually. What stinks is whatever I get done, won't even mean as much so I'm wondering what's the use except I wanna wear sandals at some point this summer!!
[End post]
Then a thread about children and what kind of eaters they were got me to thinking, and I realized my Mother's Day Blessing:
Ponderings from a mom to a "non-picky"
Reading the chef thread made me think again how blessed I am with Jackson. We went to a chinese buffet on sunday and we realized we'd never taken the kids to one- well, a good one. That day my son ate cold-peel-it-yourself shrimp, hot of the same, two oysters in shell, two frog legs, sushi with tuna, salmon, and a california roll (3 pieces all together), fish eggs (is that caviar? duh I dunno), garlic green beans, among other 'regular' things. He had nothing fried. How about that for a 7 yo? even Hannah liked the fish eggs, that was her 'new' thing :)
[end post]
I started my summer semester today. In the next 8-10 weeks, I will be taking 16 week's worth of:
Introduction to Computers
Introduction to Business
Introduction to Sociology
Expository Writing
I didn't fail my last computer class, but it was not transfer. It's a carbon copy of this one, except this one has one additional project per chapter. The professor told me to save all my work on my pin drive and turn it in when it was due, I say kewl
I had Expository writing today. We are working towards writing out the research sources and thesis for a research paper, but not writing the actual paper. Okkaaayyy, I can handle that. But what do I want to research?
The other thing we will be graded on is, one more topic. We pick our topic- write a rough draft. Turn it in for grade, receive tips. Implement tips, turn in for next grade. Then receve more tips, and turn it in for final grade on paper. What's cool is, I already have a paper ready for this!! When I went to get my GED the one who implemented my practice test said that she'd never had a perfectly written paper before- mine! That she' seen college graduates' papers that were not as good as that one. So I asked that she xerox me a copy. Yep, it's sitting right over there ----------> Woo-Hooo!!!
Last but not least- I got my report card this week- I have a 4.0 average!
[end summer topic]
So I've been experiencing a great deal of anxiety the past few days. I ran out of meds last week but we didn't get paid til Friday. Then the weekend drama went on. You know, I learned some stuff on psychology this quarter and one thing is, one aspect of depression is having a more accurate view of reality than mentally well people. Well people believe things are better than they really are, whereas, depressed people see things for the way it is, and react amplified.
These past few days I have been reminded of many things that J told me he would do, but has not done. Remind some of you that we were toying with the idea of separating for a spell to work on things, but he promised me we could do it with us living together, and promised many things, and has not delivered. I'll confess, I've been on my own little strike myself, mostly with the house. If he's not going to put energy into our homelife, why should I? I'm tired of breaking my back for a clean sparkly house and him not stepping up and doing what he needs to do. That's bull- he gave me lip service months ago and I bought it. How many MORE years are we gonna have to deal with this?
Oh, and he's smoking again. Well, he's been smoking. For over a year, but when all the hoopla was going on, I acknowledged I knew. Now he comes home smelling like it- YUCK! He'll go sit outside and smoke on the balcony now. UHG- that, I'm angry with.
Why? Because that's his crutch. He refuses to get help for his depression, but made a freakin schedule for my zoloft refills today and said he was going to make sure I took them! Why? Cause I'm hard to live with when I'm not on it? It's easier for him to continue to NOT do what he's SUPPOSED to do, whe I am on it because I'll easily look over more things, when I am WELL, versus seeing things as they are when I am NOT well? HHmmmmm?
Sorry. Vents are coming out left and right these days. I hope there are better days to come!!!
posted by CalvaryGirl at 4:50 PM
3 Comments:
I'm still somewhere around here, if I can just find where I put myself. I think this spring has been hard on everyone for some reason, in varying degrees.
Wait. . .in that last sentence, take out "spring" and put in "life". It's just life. Putting one foot in front of the other, being renewed, perfected, and transformed. Wish it were easier.
Well I'm so glad you're here!! ((((C)))) If that last sentence isnt the truth I don't know what it!
Sending you hugs. I hope you can find ways to cope. Hang in there.
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